By Mike Jacobson
-Rejection 96′-
Hey there you sweet, innocent voters everywhere! It’s that time of the leap year again where we must carefully analyze and nitpick away at the candidates for the next human piñata of the White House. Now more than ever, we must quench our thirst for making big hairy deals out of little, insignificant peach fuzz. (Did you catch the play on words? I sure wasn’t taught to be so brilliant). So let’s strap on our dunce caps and take a look at the two early front-runners in this race for the presidency.
Bob (Smiley) Dole- A man of sure stability, great respect, and apparent senility. He wants to put a V-chip in your TV., in your children’s heads, in your head, in your cat, your toaster, your mother-in-law, etc. Denies being spawn of Satan, though ideals and actions show otherwise. His good friend and former Keebler elf, Newt Gingrich, is a good example of politics the Dole way, with the exception of not having a group of vultures hovering above.
Bill (Waiting to exhale) Clinton – A thoughtful, loving and caring big lug. Uses bigger words to impress more people. Uses shorter speeches to comply with our lacking attention spans. Dances and sings along to really God-awful Fleetwood Mac songs and even instigates a reunion of the original band all the while claiming he never inhaled?!!! Oh, and best of all, much like our Lord Jesus Christ, HE FEELS YOUR PAIN!!!
Well, that was fun. Bye.