By Matt Richard and Matt McCrady
CANCER—June 22-July 22: What once was, it is going to be every Tuesday and every other Thursday, but I’m sending out memos Friday. So-don’t worry about it. Buy many calendars and the God of Hostess fruit pies will smile kindly on your first-born’s bottom.
LEO—July 23-August 22: All of the doorways in your house are covered in shrink wrap. Don’t suffocate. Stay away from fast food this week. Some pumpkins have a debate with you about vegetable rights. Your lunch will never be fertilized by a camel.
VIRGO—August 23-September 22: Your future to me looks righteous. Don’t go near a dog, it might bite yuz. If it is rabid, go build a cabin. Spin around ‘til you get a buzz, but be careful, don’t get caught by the fuzz.
LIBRA—September 23-October 23: A lover once mistaken as a giant order of fries calls you to buy a calendar. Buy four!!! Money comes your way. Too bad it’s someone dressed as a dollar bill waiting for the bathroom you’re in line for. You are the Lizard King.
SCORPIO—October 24-November 21: Z headed Elvis clones from Jing take over the 3M company and start to wrap the universe in cellophane. You are the only one who can save us.
SAGGITARIUS—November 22-December 21: If you catch a sniffle early this winter, eat raw horse intestines with a raisin water bagel. An old girlfriend stops by this week. She is now the bearded lady at the carnival. Lucky #s- 15, 2,16,7
CAPRICORN—December 22-January 19: Comet, it makes your teeth turn green. Comet, it tastes like gasoline. Comet, it makes you vomit. So buy some comet and vomit TODAY!!!
AQUARIUS—January 20-February 8: Beware, all of the scissors you’ve misused these past few years will come back to haunt you. Beware of the scissor people.
PISCES—February19-March20: Calendars are your friends! Calendars are good! Calendars are love! Buy a calendar and you will have many dates!
ARIES—March 21-April 19: On Friday your dog will finally set things straight. But beware, you could end up in the dog house. Relatives visit this week unexpectedly. Take a vacation, and stay away from those darn fried green tomatoes.
TAURUS—April 20-May 20: Beings from a distant planet will swing by Sunday. They will bring fruit cake and French dressing. Don’t touch the fruit cake. Eat sponges instead. You are beyond human.
GEMINI—May 21-June 21: You are amazing! You can open a child-proof bottle of aspirin in less than 15 minutes. You can tie your shoes. No one sees you pick your nose driving down the road. Sheep are your friends but no one else knows.